Shortland Street sex okay but Akon not

The Dominion Post says: Steamy sex on Shortland Street (NZ Soap Opera – Ed) is allowed but American rapper Akon’s fully clothed romp on stage with a 14-year-old girl was too racy for Kiwi couch potatoes, the Broadcasting Standards Authority has ruled.

The Broadcasting Standards Authority says:We’re happy for two people completely covered in blankets to rummage about and moan and groan all they like, in fact, we thought it was tasteful. Akon dirty dancing with a 14-year-old, yeah we’re thinking most people would be a bit offended by that.

Akon says: Lonely, I’m Mr Lonely, I have nobody, for my own…

Cliff Notes’ News Commentary Team says:We thought the Dominion Post was about the news, not writing “well duh” pieces about broadcasting standards decisions that make common sense to most people old enough to pay taxes and wise enough to change the channel from material they find distasteful (yep, it happens) or boring (this is the default assumption though). The implication that The Dominion Post thinks two items are somehow closely comparable is more newsworthy than the actual item itself. “Steamy sex”? Do they even watch the shows they report on?

Mallard facing court charge for Mallets of Mayhem

The New Zealand Herald says: Cabinet Minister Trevor Mallard has been summoned to appear in court and face an assault charge next month – and the taxpayer may have to fund the case.

Wellington District Court Judge Bruce Davidson issued the summons after an application for a private prosecution by Wellington accountant Graham McCready.

Trevor Mallard says: I haven’t received any summons, ah I mean no comment.

Graham McCready says: Forget my frivolous court action against former prime minister Robert Muldoon and my defamation claim against an old Scout leader decades after the fact, also please ignore that I’m due in court myself over 40 tax-related charges, this is a genuine case that really matters people!

Guest Commentator Sideshow Bob says: Pshaw! A Princeton alum would accrue more fortune than myself in my interminable pursuit of Bart Simspon’s demise before Koltho, Lakhesis and Atropos would weave this bumbling buffoon the benefit of a benign outcome. Pah!

Cliff Notes’ News Commentary Team says: What was the moral of that story about the crazy man that cried court case? Or was it that philosophical debate about if a court summons is served to a non front bench politician, does anybody care? Either way, too bad Mr McCready has waited until now to have a decent point, NCEA computers being sold on trademe notwithstanding. Still, it’s nice to have a name like McCready in the B list headlines again, gives us a reason to put on our fake Scottish accents. Why Helllo Mr MahkCrreeeedie, aye!

Supermarket chain bans fireworks sales

The New Zealand Herald says: A supermarket chain will ban fireworks from its stores because of the damage and injury caused during Guy Fawkes Day celebrations.

^^ Progressive Enterprises says: “We feel strongly that this is the right thing to do to help prevent children’s safety being compromised in the future. We all have families and their safety is our chief concern.”

The Ghost of Guy Fawkes says: Ah fer Fawkes sake! Do you guys even remember why I did this? This is what happens when heathens, Protestants and Anglicans have too much power. If I wasn’t in hell for punishment I’d be up there right now sneaking some of this fire and brimstone into the beehive!

Cliff Notes’ News Commentary Team says: Just face it kiddies, Guy Fawkes was finished as a decent cultural event when they banned skyrockets. No use crying about it now. For some reason the prevailing social theory is that people who are stupid enough to hurt themselves or those around them with fireworks are somehow smart enough not to do the same thing through other means like speeding, raising dangerous dogs inappropriately or running with knives. May we suggest the likes of the USA or Japan for your yearly fireworks needs? They apparently know how to handle fireworks responsibly and not let the misshaps of the few penalise the many.

Boycott Californication says Family First

stuff.co.nz says: Family First has called for families to boycott companies advertising during the first episode of what it described as the drug, sex and vomit-laden Californication on Thursday night.

The New Zealand Catholic Church says: Californication is evil!

Family First says: If you remove violence, rape, drug use and pre-marital sex from TV you’ll stop it happening in your community. It’s a proven fact. WHAT DO WE WANT? MORE CENSORSHIP, WHEN DO WE WANT IT? NOW!

Guest Commentator the ghost of Flip Wilson says: The TV made me do it!

Cliff Notes’ News Commentary Team says: Apparently Christians think you can remove all the depravity of human existence from TV shows to protect society and still portray the events as being reflective of what happens in real life. Perhaps if they spent more time campaigning against actual depravity rather than portrayed depravity society would have a better chance of improving to the point where such a TV series would be deemed too unrealistic.

NZ man killed in Perth brawl

The New Zealand Herald says:A young New Zealand man was killed and two others seriously injured after a savage brawl between Maori and Aborigines in Perth yesterday. Weapons, including a bloody picket and bricks, could be seen strewn across the cul-de-sac following the brutal fight between up to 20 rival Aborigines and Maori who had clashed in a dispute over alcohol earlier in the day.

Local Resident says: “There’s going to be a fair few problems now that a Maori has been killed.”

The Maori Party says:Yep, that trip by Hone Harawira to the Northern Territories had all kinds of benefits, look how much closer our communities are now, and what we’re able to achieve to bridge what few small gaps there are.

Guest Commentator Homer Simpson says: Ah, beer. The cause of, and the solution to, all of life’s problems.

Cliff Notes’ News Commentary Team says:It’s not racism if the fight’s between minorities.

Maori archbishop demands apology for Ruatoki raids

The New Zealand Herald says:Anglican Maori incensed by police tactics in the Bay of Plenty terrorism raids are calling on the Government and police to apologise to Tuhoe and Ruatoki people.

Archbishop Brown Turei, Anglican primate and Te Pihopa o Aotearoa – head of the church’s Maori stream says: “This is Pharaoh and the Hebrews in Egypt all over again. Acts of suppression are the instruments of the powerful to bring the people in line with an acceptable system.

“Moses said: ‘Let my people go.’ Maybe we can say: ‘Leave our people alone’,” he said.

Rev Jim Biddle says:Are you an Angli-can, or and Angli-can’t?

Guest Commentator Charles Sheldon says: What would Jesus do?

Cliff Notes’ News Commentary Team says:Unless there’s armies of Maori slaves enlisted in the upgrade of the stadiums in the next Rugby World Cup, we think the hyperbole in this and other Maori rhetoric will serve more as a PR pyramid scheme with diminishing benefits that only fuel indifference towards much Maori activism. Legitimate protests like the occupation of Whenuakite Station earlier this year suffer a blow to their mana amongst non-Maori because Maori overreaching in other areas puts more genuine protests into a credibility deficit at the outset.

Democrats can’t reach accord on Iran Letter

The Gist: So an amendment was passed on 26th December that designated the Iran Revolutionary Guard as a terrorist organisation. This is happening in the midst of President’s administration talking tough on Iran and neo-conservatives lobbying the president for more war. Hillary Clinton, who voted for the amendment, signed a letter that stated that the amendment didn’t give the President congressional authority to go to war with Iran. Some people think labelling the army of Iran a terrorist group does exactly that while America is engaged in a war on terror.

Barak Obama says: I’m not signing that letter, I’m introducting a binding resolution to annul the amendment, and I ain’t touching that document if another presidential hopeful has got to it first.

Joseph Biden says: I’m not signing that letter, my position on this has always been clear, and I ain’t touching that document if another presidential hopeful has got to it first.

Hillary Clinton says: Ummm, Obama, if this was such an important issue to you before, why didn’t you do more to stop it when it was up for a vote, or is this another vote  you were absent for?

George Bush says: I reckon I could stop World War III by attacking Iran, yep, that oughta be a nice blow for peace in the Middle East.

Protestor for peace Gil Gunderson says: Aww come on Mr President please you can’t go ta war with Iran ole Gil’s beggin’ ya, I need this or the lady from the protest shed won’t promote me to deputy “Hell no we won’t go” sign holder assistant then I won’t get my leek and lentil allowance and Gils countin’ on that allowance to get the wife outta makin’ barely surprise for the fifth week in a row an.. d’oh no there he goes I knew I should’ve signed up for the global warming division dammit Gil you gotta read the papers everyone’s fallin’ for that one now!

Cliff Notes’ News Commentary Team says: This reminds me of the time me and a few other guys were all chasing after this Greenpeace chic who was supposed to be upstanding and clean in public but down and dirty in the bedroom. None of US wanted to sign the petition to ban harsh verbal commands on pets after one of the others beat us to it first. I attempted to go one better by getting a seat on the local council and lobbying for a year on exactly that issue. Not that it mattered, she chose the guy who baked weed brownies, owned a Prius and was heir to a multi-million dollar solar power panel company anyway.

The moral of the story? Energy concerns always win out in the end, and dogs don’t care how much you yell while they’ve got their teeth sunk into your thigh. Anyway that failed photo-op story is a subject for another blog

Cullen Accused of election year tax lolly scramble

The Gist: New Zealand Finance Minister Michael Cullen is subject to National Party speculation that there will be a lolly scramble next year (election year)  based upon comments from Helen Clark and previous experience with election year budgets.

Bill English, National Party Finance Spokesperson says: Lollynomics, biggest spending government in history, what about Helen Clark’s comment that ‘it has taken a while to build up the kitty for a substantial tax package’?

Finance Minister Michael Cullen says: The Labour-led government governs and budgets for the long term.  We will not back away from that stance, especially in an election year.”

Lucy says: I’ll be glad if Michael Cullen stops pulling my football trick when it comes to business and personal tax cuts. The repetition of that game was getting old, even for me. Not to mention I wasn’t getting any royalties out of it.

Cliff Notes’ News Commentary Team says: Even with all this spending and the large surplus, we still have an underfunded public education and health sector. Unfortunately, it’s not like National is providing palatable alternatives is it? MMP is failing us at the moment.

Pita Sharples accuses Winston Peters of playing race card

The New Zealand Herald says:New Zealand First leader Winston Peters is playing “the race card” with comments accusing the Maori Party of fostering political separatism, Maori Party co-leader Pita Sharples says.

 Winston Peters says:The Maori Party is a political party based solely on race, that’s apartheid man. J’Accuse! Ya’ll are humming the “hymn of hate.”

Pita Sharples says: What’s wrong with stance on the terror raids that purely call for fair treatment of our people?

Other non-Maori activists arrested in the raids say: *Ahem.*

Maori Affairs Minister Parekura Horomia says: Lemme just quietly slip away from this one before attention turns back on me again for supposedly turning my back on my people.

Guest Commentator and Former All Black Captain Sean Fitzpatrick says: It’s a game of two racial perspective halves, full credit to them, they’ve turned up ready to play and I’m sure by the next election will come away with a result. At the end of the day, the media was the winner.

Spirit of Citizens’ privacy and freedom of association says: Um, guys, what about the bigger picture here?

The Bigger Picture says: ^^^^^^^^ I have NO clue who this guy is. Officer, take him away! That new Terrorism legislation ought to help out with that nicely.

Cliff Notes’ News and Commentary Team says:Don’t come crying to us down the line like we didn’t warn you, citizens. When the police bust through your door because the nosy, annoying next door neighbour (who complains that your wife’s hairdryer is too loud at 7:30 in the morning when they’re trying to read,) saw you playing with those baking soda bottle rockets with your kids for a science project and told the local plod a story about Molotov cocktails, only to have them not find any but arrest you for that little tinny operation you have hidden away under the house. We won’t want to hear it, especially because we’ll be stuck in prison with you on account of this blog.

Mallard Malady Meanders Further Measurably

The Gist: One MP assaults another. The assaulting MP is from the party in power who have just started an extensive anti-violence campaign.

Prime Minister Helen Clark says: Well, you know, Mallard *was* defending another woman’s integrity… but gee, I guess he should have been big enough to walk away.

Winston Peters says:Awww come on, it’s just one mistake, stop with the hectoring, lecturing, prissy, do-gooder, PC, pointing-the-finger.

http://www.areyouok.org.nz says: It’s never OK! So says your government! And no we’re not a site promoting the return of irony into political debate.

The Maori Party says:Mallard looks like he’s been training up on his close combat techniques, almost like he’s been attending some sort of ”training” style ”camps” for purpose of inspiring “terror” in the hearts of opposition MPs. We think the police need to look further into this!

Guest Commentator Ron Burgundy says: The only way to bag a classy lady was to give her two tickets to the Mallard Mallet show *kisses the biceps* and see if she likes the goods.  

Cliff Notes’ News and Commentary Team says:We wonder if Vince McMahon has been taking notice of this situation at all. Mallard could perhaps be building towards a more lucrative career in sports entertainment. His finishing move will be known as the Mallard Mallet, he’ll signal to the audience that he’s going for the coup de grace with a duck caller he uses to enhance his package in the tight spandex, then move in for the kill with his own interpretation of the old Polish Hammer move. He then poses victorious proclaiming “For the honour of women everywhere!”

Yeah it’s a slow news day.